Below is a simple yet thoughtful manifesto for dealing with those that want you to fail.
Beer critics are a tough bunch to deal with adequately, yet they must certainly be acknowledged for they aren’t going anywhere. They can make or break your business, and dealing with them quickly and efficiently will allow you to go about your day.
Critics of beer exist to spew hate and ruin the reputation of those that they attack. They are never accepting, encouraging or understanding of beer, brewers, or breweries. They are never satisfied and never want others to succeed. Their is a sorry and sad existence moving from one beer to the next looking for something to attack. They never want to help or educate, only to destroy and disseminate their vile speech.
We could continue to list the many shortcoming of beer critics, but it is best to get straight to the matter.
Here is an itemized list of efficient and acceptable ways to take down a critic in a manner of minutes. Feel free to use this list as you see fit. If possible, please pass it on to others so that we can destroy these strangers hiding in our midst.
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Attack the credentials – No critic anywhere has any credentials, education or experience that allows them to comment on your work. They are a sad bunch of loners that often live in basements of relatives. This guy gets it. Kind of.
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Attack the person – A standard technique the world round. Take any chance to highlight any shortcoming of the critic, from appearance and age to character.
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Attack the understanding – Often critics simple do not understand what you were trying to do. How could they understand the brilliance of your Barrel Aged Imperial Mild?
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Ask the critic to diagnose the problem/fix the problem – Surely the undereducated critic cannot put into words what they think is wrong with your beer and how it might be fixed.
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Call him/her names – Nothing gets rid of people (especially on the Internet) like calling them names.
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Say that he/she doesn’t have experience with (or like) that style of beer – There is no way that a critic can like and have experience in many styles of beer, nevermind one that you chose for its obscurity or prominence
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Cite your own experience – No one would consider critiquing your beer if they knew what an authority you are.
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Cite your own taste/Say that you like it – There is not better way to downplay the review or criticism that stating unequivocally that you like it the way that it is.
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Attack the cowardice of the critic for not being in the industry – If your detractor had the guts, brains and money that you did, they would choose to open their own brewery.
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Refer to the masses that do like your beer – Everyone knows that the masses simply cannot be wrong. Ever.
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Do not state that you might be wrong – Always stay firm with your product and opinion as you simply cannot be wrong. After all, you are the professional.
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Respond while you are angry – Words come more quickly if you are angry, and emotional words are always clear, direct and succinct.
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Do not begin a conversation to understand the nature of the criticism – Who cares why the criticism was given, as it must be wrong.
I would humbly suggest that you may want to print and laminate a sheet of these responses to have at your fingertips at all times.
Critics are everywhere, so having the information at hand will benefit you and help put them in their place.
